Hello, Loves!

You know each day presents us with a series of experiences, a blend of challenges and triumphs that shape our journey. Here’s my perspective: life is an intricate dance of light and shadow, and without the contrast, we would be in perpetual twilight. So, even on the most difficult days, we find reasons to persevere. Today, I feel compelled to share a particularly difficult day in order to let go of the burden on my spirit. Here’s a glimpse into my current state.

As I lie in bed at night, my mind travels on a nocturnal odyssey, revisiting the day’s rhythm and past happenings. Usually, fatigue leads to sleep quickly, but lately, slumber has eluded me, as if even a simple yawn has become a stranger. My thoughts, a whirlwind of ideas and plans, have taken over my attention, pushing my body’s pleas for rest to the background.

What options do I have when I am unable to sleep? Today, especially, feels unusual. While waiting for a document to be uploaded, I encountered a frustrating roadblock: technical problems with the government portal. The deadline for submitting a corporate file that I have meticulously prepared—notarized, converted, and uploaded—is May 15, 2024.

This is not a new struggle; it began yesterday. A late submission would result in penalties, and I would rather avoid facing the consequences from my superior. On May 14, at 2 p.m., a login error occurred, followed by a notification that the account was suspended.

Another attempt at 8 p.m. proved futile.

The early hours of May 15, 2024 (midnight, 3 a.m.) brought no change. Despite switching browsers, deleting my browsing history, and clearing the cache, the login error persisted.

4 AM… 5 AM… 7 AM… To no avail.

I sometimes feel an unseen force casting a shadow over me, as if challenges have made it a habit to seek me out, almost as if I am their chosen target. But there is a twist to this story: ‘problem’ has met its match in my resilient spirit. Despite it all, I remain undaunted and I rely on a particular time of the day to be able to think and regain my strength- bed time.

It is my quiet moment when I learn to compose myself and be ready for another day’s daunting tasks. It is when my thoughts swirl around, exploring the past and the rhythm of the day. And wait for  my body to whisper a plea for sleep, a gentle reminder of its fleeting existence. 

However, lately, just like today- there is a fire in my head, an unwavering determination to see my endeavor through to completion, no matter the cost. And today, is the day when my head took over my whole body evading that precious sleep. 

And I can’t help but  wonder if the dance between physical need and mental resolve is a common human experience.

I hold a strong belief in the importance of self-care. However, there are times when the scales tip and I push beyond my limits, driven by a profound desire to support those I cherish. The weight of guilt bears down on me when I fall short of even the smallest acts of service, fueling my relentless pursuit to give my all.

Fatigue, at times, seeps into my bones, whispering words of surrender, yet I keep moving on. The signals from my weary frame grow louder and more insistent until I relent. Yesterday was one of those days when I became entangled in a maze of compliance and reporting responsibilities. Time passed past my fingers like grains of sand, and sleep became unfamiliar. To pass the time, I immersed myself in the world of Kdramas, a midnight vigil that left me bleary-eyed by daylight.

Surrendering to slumber’s gentle nudge, I let go of the worries that hung in the air like unanswered questions. Drifting into a brief respite, I lasted only two hours before being jolted awake by the realization that breakfast for my children awaited my touch.

An hour had passed, and once more, sleep’s gentle whisper called. Giving in to its embrace, I found solace in the silence, knowing that the morning meal was ready for eager hands and sleepy smiles. After another two hours of stolen sleep, I awoke to a world buzzing with messages, a slew of tasks vying for my attention—work, motherhood, everything except the studies I would set aside.

A pang of guilt gnaws at me as I look at the lecture videos that have been neglected for a week due to pressing duties. The review schedule on my wall serves as a silent reminder of my unfulfilled promise, and each glance evokes a familiar feeling within. I turn away, promising to devote myself entirely once the tide recedes.

But this promise rings hollow, a refrain I have repeated to myself a month ago, two months ago, last year, and during previous bar exams, becauase every day unfolds beneath a mountain of responsibilities and the soft, insistent pull of motherhood. On top of it, financial constraints—a slew of tuition fees, empty bank accounts, and unending bills—cloud my thinking, leaving little room for solutions. My commitment to bar studies has compelled me to be a willing captive to my ambitions, but it has slowed the flow of income, hence this situation.

I can not resent the life I have chosen because it is tied to my love for my children. But the exhaustion is palpable—a constant companion, exacerbated by the pain of being misunderstood of my inability to share financial responsibilities. And the exhaustion extends beyond the physical that reaches my core, which is harder to beat leaving me physically and emotionally drained. 

So, I will leave you with this thought to ponder: How often do we pause to listen to the silent conversations between our body and soul while promising to fulfill our roles and responsibilities?

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